For those of you that don't know, I've been outed. My boyfriend made me tell my parents about everything - the weight I've lost, all my habits. They knew I was having "issues" with my eating, as they call it, but they thought I had "stopped". As if it's that simple. *sigh* I really didn't want to tell them. My mom told me about two months ago that "if I started that stuff (my ED) again she'd be really pissed". I love my mom but I hate how both my parents think they understand, how they oversimplify just how supposedly easy this should be to "stop". And for all of you, I hope that all of you somewhat know what I'm talking about.
Everyone around me thinks it's as easy as just eating. Pick up a sandwich, chew, swallow, repeat as needed. But it's not. So I eat the sandwich. How many calories is it? Should I eat half of it? Half of a half? Any at all? And once I eat it, if I do, do I purge? Or do I let it sit in my stomach like a stone, weighing me down and making me feel guilty for way longer than it should?
What should be a simple process of eating a sandwich suddenly has multiple steps, a significantly large and ridiculous amount of mental strain. THAT is why I wish I didn't live with anyone. I wouldn't have to worry about eating at all :)
But since I DO still live at home, and now that I've had to tell my parents all this, they're sending me to see a counsellor. Fun stuff. I get to tell all my problems to a stranger. Have I mentioned I SUCK at talking to people about...well, anything? I'm great at writing it down, but talking about it? FORGET IT!!!
My first meeting with my counsellor is tomorrow morning at 10 AM. I'll let you guys know how it goes...
May 21, 2010
April 28, 2010
A Day in the Life
I'm back on the wagon, after weeks of disappointment and self-hate - I'm losing again. Two pounds so far, which unfortunately for me, means almost nothing. My weight jumps around so frequently that it's nearly impossible to tell what will stay off and what will be gained back by the next day.
But I've at least gotten better at keeping track of my system. Weighing myself used to be a random process, one without a schedule or any type of order. Now, I weigh myself three times a day. A lot, I know, but I can't help it. When I wake up in the morning, when I get home from school, and at night when I know I won't be eating anything afterwards. This nighttime weigh-in is what I update my stats by.
As of last night, I weighed 137 lbs. This morning I was at 136.4, but the upkeep factor for that would be that I don't eat anything at all during the day. And frankly, with shitty willpower like mine, that doesn't work. So I'm trying to get by on as little as possible, as any good friend of Ana does.
I'm already doing better today than I did yesterday. Instead of eating the 100 calorie Blueberry Thins I ate yesterday morning, I only ate 10 pieces of Blueberry Mini-Wheat cereal, which comes out to 75 calories. Only a 25 calorie drop, but that paired with the fact that I've already thrown out my lunch for the day (to guarantee that I don't eat it in a fit of bingeing like I usually do), sets me back about 350 calories! If I can get by the rest of the day on 2 plain Rice Cakes (70 calories) and a really small dinner, that leaves me with just a daily total of (hopefully) about 300 calories.
If I can follow through with it, I think I can rule today as a success!
But I've at least gotten better at keeping track of my system. Weighing myself used to be a random process, one without a schedule or any type of order. Now, I weigh myself three times a day. A lot, I know, but I can't help it. When I wake up in the morning, when I get home from school, and at night when I know I won't be eating anything afterwards. This nighttime weigh-in is what I update my stats by.
As of last night, I weighed 137 lbs. This morning I was at 136.4, but the upkeep factor for that would be that I don't eat anything at all during the day. And frankly, with shitty willpower like mine, that doesn't work. So I'm trying to get by on as little as possible, as any good friend of Ana does.
I'm already doing better today than I did yesterday. Instead of eating the 100 calorie Blueberry Thins I ate yesterday morning, I only ate 10 pieces of Blueberry Mini-Wheat cereal, which comes out to 75 calories. Only a 25 calorie drop, but that paired with the fact that I've already thrown out my lunch for the day (to guarantee that I don't eat it in a fit of bingeing like I usually do), sets me back about 350 calories! If I can get by the rest of the day on 2 plain Rice Cakes (70 calories) and a really small dinner, that leaves me with just a daily total of (hopefully) about 300 calories.
If I can follow through with it, I think I can rule today as a success!
April 27, 2010
How to Disappear Completely
I picture an open field, lined on one side with a grove of black trees. White flowers paint the ground, swaying slightly in a faint breeze. I walk out from amongst the forest, dressed in white, blending with my surroundings. I feel blades of grass slicing gently across my feet as I enter the field.
But the flowers do not bend beneath me.
I am invisible, merging with the flowers and the field and the wind. There is no record of my presence there. The flowers go on living, uncrushed for another day.
If I could live my life this way, I would. The ground would stay unaltered, my feet too light to leave a trace. And the hearts of the people around me, unmarked by this strange girl that looks to gain so much beauty from so very little. But I don't want to hurt them.
I just want to disappear.
But the flowers do not bend beneath me.
I am invisible, merging with the flowers and the field and the wind. There is no record of my presence there. The flowers go on living, uncrushed for another day.
If I could live my life this way, I would. The ground would stay unaltered, my feet too light to leave a trace. And the hearts of the people around me, unmarked by this strange girl that looks to gain so much beauty from so very little. But I don't want to hurt them.
I just want to disappear.
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